Missy Higgins Where i stood

a little honesty

So, I've been a little sad lately. Don't be mad at me, especially if you have asked me how I"m doing......because I will never tell you, I'm a little sad. This is one reason I wanted to blog. My feelings are complicated. I don't really "share" intimate details. But this week, I've been sad. I'm forcing myself to be happy. And to keep moving on. It's so hard when you loved someone so much. You made plans together, you shared many late night talks. Don't get me wrong, there were so many things bad about the relationship. But for some reason, this week, all I can do.............is think about the good times. I'm missing something. Something I will never have back. The idea of finishing our lives together is now......gone. And forever changed. awkward situations, to be nice, to "pretend" to get along.

I know this feeling will pass. I know the future is so bright for me. I have discovered, maybe I have never truly been loved. The choice of two souls so engaged in each other, where nothing else matters. Knowing and trusting the other with your every being.

Here is a song....I love. Music speaks to my soul. I have no words sometimes, but the music speaks for me.


"Where I Stood" Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE

things I wonder........

I wonder what kind of things my dad would talk to me about today......... I wonder if he would tell me to "toughen' up girl". ......Or, "turn that frown, upside down"....... I wonder if he would tell me "this is your chance to start over", or "you deserve better".

What I really wish.......I wish, I could sit in his lap. Put my head on his chest......while he twirls my hair. I would tell him......I'm scared. I would tell him, I feel so lonely sometimes.......and how I wish all the pain would go away.

Sometimes, you just need your daddy.

Trying this again......

I haven't blogged in a long time. Honestly, I was having a hard time showering everyday, and logging on to my blog, and trying to come up with something witty, or inspiring, was just exhausting.

It's a tug of war in my soul. To be authentic. It's the hardest thing to be totally honest and completely vulnerable. I will fail at times. I am a work in progress.

I was re-reading some of my past blogs, and I thought to myself .......we underestimate how strong we really are, and how much we can take. I wanted everything better, now. I wanted all the pain to go away, NOW. But that's just not how life works. When we plant a tree, is it instantly at the peak of it's growth? obviously not. A process. A journey. An epic.

I have learned so much about myself through my pain, and I'm still learning. It's exciting when I think about it, and just as frustrating. Beth...when the heck are you going to learn. Learn to know my value. Learn it's okay to be human. It's okay to be happy, and to be sad (all in the same day) I am who I am. I want to force myself to go outside my area of safety. To break free from the expectations people have placed on me, and I have placed on myself. Life is passing me by, while I'm worrying about who I'm supposed to be. Instead of just being. Fear has crippled me. And when I sit by myself, and question my decisions, I am angry with myself. Most of them were made out of fear. Fear of failing, fear of being alone, the fear of being poor, the fear of people rejecting me. I used to think if people really knew me, and knew the secret things I have done, they would abandon me. But.....I abandoned myself. I failed myself. I gave up on myself.

Going through a divorce, was one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life. But I also feel it was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. It made me face life. Face myself. I had given my life to someone else. Someone else chose my dream. I disappeared. I blame no one, but myself. I had no confidence in myself. I was at the lowest point I felt humanly possible. I was a failure, a nobody. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone. When in those nights I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, layer by layer, I was shedding the falseness of myself. I screamed for the pain to go away...................... But I am so glad for the pain.

I look in the mirror now, and see my old friend. Hi, friend. Let's get busy with the "life" and stop making excuses. I will empty out this soul. I'm tired of trying to keep up with everyone. Comparing myself to someone else doesn't even make sense. I am who I am.

I feel something pulling me, and I can't stop it. I can't get comfortable. I have something to give. I have something to do in this world. It's not like anything I have ever felt. Far away from what society calls comfort, or having it all. I don't want it all. I don't want you to pat me on the back and say, good job. I don't want you to affirm my worth. I don't want a label, or an expectation placed on me. Believe me, no one is going to expect anything greater, than I expect of myself. I expect myself to have self control. I expect myself to give a smile, a genuine smile. To help someone in need. I expect myself to be authentic. To show compassion and love. My expectation is not to have a nicer car, a big house, or even a wedding ring.


I end with this.

Ecclesiastes 2.........................

1 I said to myself, "Come now, let's give pleasure a try. Let's look for the `good things' in life." But I found that this, too, was meaningless.

2 "It is silly to be laughing all the time," I said. "What good does it do to seek only pleasure?"

3 After much thought, I decided to cheer myself with wine. While still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I hoped to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief life in this world.

4 I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards.

5 I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees.

6 I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves.

7 I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned great herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who lived in Jerusalem before me.

8 I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!

9 So I became greater than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. And with it all, I remained clear-eyed so that I could evaluate all these things.

10 Anything I wanted, I took. I did not restrain myself from any joy. I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labors.

11 But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.

12 So I decided to compare wisdom and folly, and anyone else would come to the same conclusions I did.

13 Wisdom is of more value than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness.

14 For the wise person sees, while the fool is blind. Yet I saw that wise and foolish people share the same fate.

15 Both of them die. Just as the fool will die, so will I. So of what value is all my wisdom? Then I said to myself, "This is all so meaningless!"

16 For the wise person and the fool both die, and in the days to come, both will be forgotten.

17 So now I hate life because everything done here under the sun is so irrational. Everything is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

18 I am disgusted that I must leave the fruits of my hard work to others.

19 And who can tell whether my successors will be wise or foolish? And yet they will control everything I have gained by my skill and hard work. How meaningless!

20 So I turned in despair from hard work. It was not the answer to my search for satisfaction in this life.

21 For though I do my work with wisdom, knowledge, and skill, I must leave everything I gain to people who haven't worked to earn it. This is not only foolish but highly unfair.

22 So what do people get for all their hard work?

23 Their days of labor are filled with pain and grief; even at night they cannot rest. It is all utterly meaningless.

24 So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God.

25 For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?

26 God gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy to those who please him. But if a sinner becomes wealthy, God takes the wealth away and gives it to those who please him. Even this, however, is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

A new thing I'm learning about myself......I'm addicted to Sharpies. Just a little FYI. :)

Another shot

I just celebrated my birthday. It was bitter sweet. I did a lot of soul searching and reflecting. I will warn you, this will be one of my most revealing blogs. You may see something you don't like. You may get offended. You may never look at me the same, and I'm okay with that. Because you see, I am not here to please you, the reader. I am here, to put my thoughts on a website. This blog is not about you, it's about me. It's about someone who may read this, and may feel the exact same way, but their dream killers are pushing them down. This blog may be a little dark. Oh no, someone actually thinks dark thoughts......how dare them. And please do not post something religious on here, telling me to "trust" God, or that only He can give me peace. Or give me some scripture telling me how to "get" through this. I know all of this. Just let me, be me. Without the filter.

Growing up, I can remember, from an early age, I was a strong willed child. Had my head in the sky. I had tons of dreams for myself. I even wanted to be better than my friends, or family. I found myself competing with them. I needed this sense of achievement. Honestly, I had no intention of being mean spirited about it. It was the only way I felt important. Oh, Beth has a beautiful voice, etc. When I got married, the pressure was on. I had to be the best wife. Keep my house the cleanest, be the closest to God. I had to be the wife who let her husband have freedom, so all the other husbands would want a wife like me. (I told you I would be very honest). I wanted to be the best cook. Then....I had my first child. I had to be the best mom. I had to have the best child. All of these expectations....just thinking about it now, I want to vomit. It's just insane.

While I was spending my time, trying and proving I could do all of these things. Proving I was worth a second look. Showing everyone how strong I could be. Pretending to have everything together. Pretending I was happy. Pretending I had everything together. Pretending things didn't bother me, because I was so laid back. Pretending. Life happened. Life.

I look back, and see so many things I missed. Where I shot for the basket and missed. Missed. And now, I feel like the game is over. I have failed. I failed at life. Failed at my dreams. I am nothing. Achieved nothing. Gained nothing. Empty hands.

Living a life, to please others, is not MY life. It's theirs. Worrying about what people think about me. (oh I used to "say" I didn't care) I just got lost. Lost in this "pretend" life. I was just playing. My four year old will tell me something, and later say, Mommy, I was just tricking ya. :) I have been just tricking.

In my reflection, I'm seeing myself. I'm not sure about it. I don't know if I like it. But it's just the truth. It's who I am. I have often beaten myself up, for things I have done, things I can't change, and wish I could. But I am human. And the truth is, I don't regret a single thing. I know myself. I am feeling my worth. I am learning to live. The only thing I need to do, is keep shooting. Taking another shot.

It's not about courage, it's about patience. It's not about becoming, it's about being. It's not about achievement, its about not giving up.

I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. ~ Michael Jordan

tilt a world

What a day....what a day. I feel like I have just rode the tilt a world at the fair. I wonder sometimes....why did I decide to ride this stupid ride, knowing I will vomit when I get off? I know it makes me sick. I have been on the tilt a world, at least 100 times. (no exaggeration) Why would I torture myself? Is it because the anticipation of the ride, itself? Is it a challenge to myself, I WILL NOT GET SICK THIS TIME?? Is it because my friend wants to ride, and I don't want to look "weak". Is it because my daughter wants to ride, and I want to make her happy? I honestly don't know.

You know what. I want to ride the ride. I want the experience. I want the rush. I want the anticipation. I want the joy of watching everyone else get sick. INCLUDING ME......Why would I miss this ride.



It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

True Love

Today.....busy as ever. I took my three year old to the zoo. Wow! Was that fun. She had a couple of melt downs, said she couldn't walk another step! For those of you who don't know. My three year old is dramatic, stubborn, selfish, and very very entertaining.
We left the zoo and decided to eat at Chik-fil-A. She just so happened to bring her "purse" into the eatery. My wonderful, full of life, three year old, had put some fingernail polish in her "purse". So, in the middle of Chik-fil-a, she wants to paint my fingernails.
Number one, the fingernail polish is PURPLE, number two, a three year old wants to paint my nails, number three, we are in the middle of a place of business (food), and number four, (may come as a surprise) I am OCD. If you paint my nails, it has to be perfect. Everything in me wanted to tell her, let's wait til we get home, and "forget" to let her paint them. But.......I couldn't do that. The excitement in her eyes. I smiled, and gave her a hug, and told her.....sure paint mommy's nails. She smiled so big, she could have hit both sides of the restraunt.
The first finger, half-way painted, and all over my finger. I soooo wanted to get my other fingernail, on my other hand, and clean up the sides. But.....I didn't. She proceeded to finish the nail session, with everyone in the restraunt looking at me, and she felt so proud. I literally saw her chest stick out and in her mind, she was the greatest fingernail painter on the planet. Sacrifice. Man, was it hard to do. I was going crazy on the inside. I wanted to fix everything she had done.....but I stopped. Her feelings, worth, and confidence, was much more important than my OCD issues. My friends, I know you may not understand, but in my eyes, I was showing her LOVE. Forgetting myself...and placing her on a level I may have never seen if I said....maybe later.

Don't put off the important things. Step outside yourself and do something for someone else. Whether it be your family, or the strange guy in Walmart, with missing teeth. :)