I haven't blogged in a long time. Honestly, I was having a hard time showering everyday, and logging on to my blog, and trying to come up with something witty, or inspiring, was just exhausting.
It's a tug of war in my soul. To be authentic. It's the hardest thing to be totally honest and completely vulnerable. I will fail at times. I am a work in progress.
I was re-reading some of my past blogs, and I thought to myself .......we underestimate how strong we really are, and how much we can take. I wanted everything better, now. I wanted all the pain to go away, NOW. But that's just not how life works. When we plant a tree, is it instantly at the peak of it's growth? obviously not. A process. A journey. An epic.
I have learned so much about myself through my pain, and I'm still learning. It's exciting when I think about it, and just as frustrating. Beth...when the heck are you going to learn. Learn to know my value. Learn it's okay to be human. It's okay to be happy, and to be sad (all in the same day) I am who I am. I want to force myself to go outside my area of safety. To break free from the expectations people have placed on me, and I have placed on myself. Life is passing me by, while I'm worrying about who I'm supposed to be. Instead of just being. Fear has crippled me. And when I sit by myself, and question my decisions, I am angry with myself. Most of them were made out of fear. Fear of failing, fear of being alone, the fear of being poor, the fear of people rejecting me. I used to think if people really knew me, and knew the secret things I have done, they would abandon me. But.....I abandoned myself. I failed myself. I gave up on myself.
Going through a divorce, was one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life. But I also feel it was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. It made me face life. Face myself. I had given my life to someone else. Someone else chose my dream. I disappeared. I blame no one, but myself. I had no confidence in myself. I was at the lowest point I felt humanly possible. I was a failure, a nobody. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone. When in those nights I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, layer by layer, I was shedding the falseness of myself. I screamed for the pain to go away...................... But I am so glad for the pain.
I look in the mirror now, and see my old friend. Hi, friend. Let's get busy with the "life" and stop making excuses. I will empty out this soul. I'm tired of trying to keep up with everyone. Comparing myself to someone else doesn't even make sense. I am who I am.
I feel something pulling me, and I can't stop it. I can't get comfortable. I have something to give. I have something to do in this world. It's not like anything I have ever felt. Far away from what society calls comfort, or having it all. I don't want it all. I don't want you to pat me on the back and say, good job. I don't want you to affirm my worth. I don't want a label, or an expectation placed on me. Believe me, no one is going to expect anything greater, than I expect of myself. I expect myself to have self control. I expect myself to give a smile, a genuine smile. To help someone in need. I expect myself to be authentic. To show compassion and love. My expectation is not to have a nicer car, a big house, or even a wedding ring.
I end with this.
11 But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.
16 For the wise person and the fool both die, and in the days to come, both will be forgotten.
17 So now I hate life because everything done here under the sun is so irrational. Everything is meaningless, like chasing the wind.
19 And who can tell whether my successors will be wise or foolish? And yet they will control everything I have gained by my skill and hard work. How meaningless!
22 So what do people get for all their hard work?
25 For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?
A new thing I'm learning about myself......I'm addicted to Sharpies. Just a little FYI. :)