Monday, April 12, 2010

Trying this again......

I haven't blogged in a long time. Honestly, I was having a hard time showering everyday, and logging on to my blog, and trying to come up with something witty, or inspiring, was just exhausting.

It's a tug of war in my soul. To be authentic. It's the hardest thing to be totally honest and completely vulnerable. I will fail at times. I am a work in progress.

I was re-reading some of my past blogs, and I thought to myself .......we underestimate how strong we really are, and how much we can take. I wanted everything better, now. I wanted all the pain to go away, NOW. But that's just not how life works. When we plant a tree, is it instantly at the peak of it's growth? obviously not. A process. A journey. An epic.

I have learned so much about myself through my pain, and I'm still learning. It's exciting when I think about it, and just as frustrating. Beth...when the heck are you going to learn. Learn to know my value. Learn it's okay to be human. It's okay to be happy, and to be sad (all in the same day) I am who I am. I want to force myself to go outside my area of safety. To break free from the expectations people have placed on me, and I have placed on myself. Life is passing me by, while I'm worrying about who I'm supposed to be. Instead of just being. Fear has crippled me. And when I sit by myself, and question my decisions, I am angry with myself. Most of them were made out of fear. Fear of failing, fear of being alone, the fear of being poor, the fear of people rejecting me. I used to think if people really knew me, and knew the secret things I have done, they would abandon me. But.....I abandoned myself. I failed myself. I gave up on myself.

Going through a divorce, was one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life. But I also feel it was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. It made me face life. Face myself. I had given my life to someone else. Someone else chose my dream. I disappeared. I blame no one, but myself. I had no confidence in myself. I was at the lowest point I felt humanly possible. I was a failure, a nobody. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone. When in those nights I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, layer by layer, I was shedding the falseness of myself. I screamed for the pain to go away...................... But I am so glad for the pain.

I look in the mirror now, and see my old friend. Hi, friend. Let's get busy with the "life" and stop making excuses. I will empty out this soul. I'm tired of trying to keep up with everyone. Comparing myself to someone else doesn't even make sense. I am who I am.

I feel something pulling me, and I can't stop it. I can't get comfortable. I have something to give. I have something to do in this world. It's not like anything I have ever felt. Far away from what society calls comfort, or having it all. I don't want it all. I don't want you to pat me on the back and say, good job. I don't want you to affirm my worth. I don't want a label, or an expectation placed on me. Believe me, no one is going to expect anything greater, than I expect of myself. I expect myself to have self control. I expect myself to give a smile, a genuine smile. To help someone in need. I expect myself to be authentic. To show compassion and love. My expectation is not to have a nicer car, a big house, or even a wedding ring.

I end with this.

Ecclesiastes 2.........................

1 I said to myself, "Come now, let's give pleasure a try. Let's look for the `good things' in life." But I found that this, too, was meaningless.

2 "It is silly to be laughing all the time," I said. "What good does it do to seek only pleasure?"

3 After much thought, I decided to cheer myself with wine. While still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I hoped to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief life in this world.

4 I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards.

5 I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees.

6 I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves.

7 I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned great herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who lived in Jerusalem before me.

8 I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!

9 So I became greater than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. And with it all, I remained clear-eyed so that I could evaluate all these things.

10 Anything I wanted, I took. I did not restrain myself from any joy. I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labors.

11 But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.

12 So I decided to compare wisdom and folly, and anyone else would come to the same conclusions I did.

13 Wisdom is of more value than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness.

14 For the wise person sees, while the fool is blind. Yet I saw that wise and foolish people share the same fate.

15 Both of them die. Just as the fool will die, so will I. So of what value is all my wisdom? Then I said to myself, "This is all so meaningless!"

16 For the wise person and the fool both die, and in the days to come, both will be forgotten.

17 So now I hate life because everything done here under the sun is so irrational. Everything is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

18 I am disgusted that I must leave the fruits of my hard work to others.

19 And who can tell whether my successors will be wise or foolish? And yet they will control everything I have gained by my skill and hard work. How meaningless!

20 So I turned in despair from hard work. It was not the answer to my search for satisfaction in this life.

21 For though I do my work with wisdom, knowledge, and skill, I must leave everything I gain to people who haven't worked to earn it. This is not only foolish but highly unfair.

22 So what do people get for all their hard work?

23 Their days of labor are filled with pain and grief; even at night they cannot rest. It is all utterly meaningless.

24 So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God.

25 For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?

26 God gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy to those who please him. But if a sinner becomes wealthy, God takes the wealth away and gives it to those who please him. Even this, however, is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

A new thing I'm learning about myself......I'm addicted to Sharpies. Just a little FYI. :)