Monday, October 19, 2009

Another shot

I just celebrated my birthday. It was bitter sweet. I did a lot of soul searching and reflecting. I will warn you, this will be one of my most revealing blogs. You may see something you don't like. You may get offended. You may never look at me the same, and I'm okay with that. Because you see, I am not here to please you, the reader. I am here, to put my thoughts on a website. This blog is not about you, it's about me. It's about someone who may read this, and may feel the exact same way, but their dream killers are pushing them down. This blog may be a little dark. Oh no, someone actually thinks dark dare them. And please do not post something religious on here, telling me to "trust" God, or that only He can give me peace. Or give me some scripture telling me how to "get" through this. I know all of this. Just let me, be me. Without the filter.

Growing up, I can remember, from an early age, I was a strong willed child. Had my head in the sky. I had tons of dreams for myself. I even wanted to be better than my friends, or family. I found myself competing with them. I needed this sense of achievement. Honestly, I had no intention of being mean spirited about it. It was the only way I felt important. Oh, Beth has a beautiful voice, etc. When I got married, the pressure was on. I had to be the best wife. Keep my house the cleanest, be the closest to God. I had to be the wife who let her husband have freedom, so all the other husbands would want a wife like me. (I told you I would be very honest). I wanted to be the best cook. Then....I had my first child. I had to be the best mom. I had to have the best child. All of these expectations....just thinking about it now, I want to vomit. It's just insane.

While I was spending my time, trying and proving I could do all of these things. Proving I was worth a second look. Showing everyone how strong I could be. Pretending to have everything together. Pretending I was happy. Pretending I had everything together. Pretending things didn't bother me, because I was so laid back. Pretending. Life happened. Life.

I look back, and see so many things I missed. Where I shot for the basket and missed. Missed. And now, I feel like the game is over. I have failed. I failed at life. Failed at my dreams. I am nothing. Achieved nothing. Gained nothing. Empty hands.

Living a life, to please others, is not MY life. It's theirs. Worrying about what people think about me. (oh I used to "say" I didn't care) I just got lost. Lost in this "pretend" life. I was just playing. My four year old will tell me something, and later say, Mommy, I was just tricking ya. :) I have been just tricking.

In my reflection, I'm seeing myself. I'm not sure about it. I don't know if I like it. But it's just the truth. It's who I am. I have often beaten myself up, for things I have done, things I can't change, and wish I could. But I am human. And the truth is, I don't regret a single thing. I know myself. I am feeling my worth. I am learning to live. The only thing I need to do, is keep shooting. Taking another shot.

It's not about courage, it's about patience. It's not about becoming, it's about being. It's not about achievement, its about not giving up.

I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. ~ Michael Jordan

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

tilt a world

What a day....what a day. I feel like I have just rode the tilt a world at the fair. I wonder sometimes....why did I decide to ride this stupid ride, knowing I will vomit when I get off? I know it makes me sick. I have been on the tilt a world, at least 100 times. (no exaggeration) Why would I torture myself? Is it because the anticipation of the ride, itself? Is it a challenge to myself, I WILL NOT GET SICK THIS TIME?? Is it because my friend wants to ride, and I don't want to look "weak". Is it because my daughter wants to ride, and I want to make her happy? I honestly don't know.

You know what. I want to ride the ride. I want the experience. I want the rush. I want the anticipation. I want the joy of watching everyone else get sick. INCLUDING ME......Why would I miss this ride.

It brings you up slowly then shoots you like a rocket towards the ground
It twists you and it shakes you before it turns you upside down
You can't see what's around the corner
And you can't look back, so just live it up and feel the rush

Life is a roller coaster ride
Time turns the wheel and love collides
Faith is believing you can close your eyes and touch the sky
So shine while you have the chance to shine
Laugh even when you want to cry
Hold on tight to what you feel inside and ride

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

True Love

Today.....busy as ever. I took my three year old to the zoo. Wow! Was that fun. She had a couple of melt downs, said she couldn't walk another step! For those of you who don't know. My three year old is dramatic, stubborn, selfish, and very very entertaining.
We left the zoo and decided to eat at Chik-fil-A. She just so happened to bring her "purse" into the eatery. My wonderful, full of life, three year old, had put some fingernail polish in her "purse". So, in the middle of Chik-fil-a, she wants to paint my fingernails.
Number one, the fingernail polish is PURPLE, number two, a three year old wants to paint my nails, number three, we are in the middle of a place of business (food), and number four, (may come as a surprise) I am OCD. If you paint my nails, it has to be perfect. Everything in me wanted to tell her, let's wait til we get home, and "forget" to let her paint them. But.......I couldn't do that. The excitement in her eyes. I smiled, and gave her a hug, and told her.....sure paint mommy's nails. She smiled so big, she could have hit both sides of the restraunt.
The first finger, half-way painted, and all over my finger. I soooo wanted to get my other fingernail, on my other hand, and clean up the sides. But.....I didn't. She proceeded to finish the nail session, with everyone in the restraunt looking at me, and she felt so proud. I literally saw her chest stick out and in her mind, she was the greatest fingernail painter on the planet. Sacrifice. Man, was it hard to do. I was going crazy on the inside. I wanted to fix everything she had done.....but I stopped. Her feelings, worth, and confidence, was much more important than my OCD issues. My friends, I know you may not understand, but in my eyes, I was showing her LOVE. Forgetting myself...and placing her on a level I may have never seen if I said....maybe later.

Don't put off the important things. Step outside yourself and do something for someone else. Whether it be your family, or the strange guy in Walmart, with missing teeth. :)