Monday, October 19, 2009
I just celebrated my birthday. It was bitter sweet. I did a lot of soul searching and reflecting. I will warn you, this will be one of my most revealing blogs. You may see something you don't like. You may get offended. You may never look at me the same, and I'm okay with that. Because you see, I am not here to please you, the reader. I am here, to put my thoughts on a website. This blog is not about you, it's about me. It's about someone who may read this, and may feel the exact same way, but their dream killers are pushing them down. This blog may be a little dark. Oh no, someone actually thinks dark thoughts......how dare them. And please do not post something religious on here, telling me to "trust" God, or that only He can give me peace. Or give me some scripture telling me how to "get" through this. I know all of this. Just let me, be me. Without the filter.
Growing up, I can remember, from an early age, I was a strong willed child. Had my head in the sky. I had tons of dreams for myself. I even wanted to be better than my friends, or family. I found myself competing with them. I needed this sense of achievement. Honestly, I had no intention of being mean spirited about it. It was the only way I felt important. Oh, Beth has a beautiful voice, etc. When I got married, the pressure was on. I had to be the best wife. Keep my house the cleanest, be the closest to God. I had to be the wife who let her husband have freedom, so all the other husbands would want a wife like me. (I told you I would be very honest). I wanted to be the best cook. Then....I had my first child. I had to be the best mom. I had to have the best child. All of these expectations....just thinking about it now, I want to vomit. It's just insane.
While I was spending my time, trying and proving I could do all of these things. Proving I was worth a second look. Showing everyone how strong I could be. Pretending to have everything together. Pretending I was happy. Pretending I had everything together. Pretending things didn't bother me, because I was so laid back. Pretending. Life happened. Life.
I look back, and see so many things I missed. Where I shot for the basket and missed. Missed. And now, I feel like the game is over. I have failed. I failed at life. Failed at my dreams. I am nothing. Achieved nothing. Gained nothing. Empty hands.
Living a life, to please others, is not MY life. It's theirs. Worrying about what people think about me. (oh I used to "say" I didn't care) I just got lost. Lost in this "pretend" life. I was just playing. My four year old will tell me something, and later say, Mommy, I was just tricking ya. :) I have been just tricking.
In my reflection, I'm seeing myself. I'm not sure about it. I don't know if I like it. But it's just the truth. It's who I am. I have often beaten myself up, for things I have done, things I can't change, and wish I could. But I am human. And the truth is, I don't regret a single thing. I know myself. I am feeling my worth. I am learning to live. The only thing I need to do, is keep shooting. Taking another shot.
It's not about courage, it's about patience. It's not about becoming, it's about being. It's not about achievement, its about not giving up.
I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. ~ Michael Jordan