what a week.

"what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight...build anyway." Mother Theresa

I've learned some things this week........

1. life is short
2. people don't know, if you don't tell them
3. listen to the whispering voice
4. i like strangers
5. trust myself
6. selfish is as selfish does
7. i'm not stupid
8. allow myself to be happy
9. how NOT to waste my time on certain people, and that doesn't make me a mean person.
10. silence is sometimes the best speech.
11. actions speak louder than words


I've been sad this past week.....the tired look on my grandma's face, friends not being truthful, the past trying to creep it's way in, missing my daddy, trusting someone who never deserved it, someone trying to take my place, not standing up for myself, feeling like no one understands me.

And the amazing part is, I have peace. I have this voice inside me that says, I am strong enough. Everything happens for a reason....whether it be fate, the will of God, my own drive to succeed, or just happen chance. I am by nature a very fun loving, happy go lucky, positive, bright side of life girl....and no one will take that from me. I love people.

But I gotta get some things off my chest.........I'm tired of people thinking they can abuse my niceness. My carefree spirit is not stupid. I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I will not allow myself to crumble to make someone else happy. I think it's funny when people put me down, to lift themselves up. I will never be that person. Using cutting words and manipulation to make me feel less.....I'm done with that.

I choose love. And I may get hurt in the process, but I will allow myself to love again. To laugh at myself. To live.

Truth

I've been thinking a lot about the truth lately. Do I really want someone to tell me the truth? Or would I rather pretend like everything is ok in my life?


I really just want truth.

empty

It's been a while....I'm not very consistent with this blog. Becomes useful when I feel the need to reflect about my life....

I have all sorts of emotions going on inside me. I feel sad. I feel accomplished. I feel empty. This is actually the first time in my life I can say I feel empty. I don't know if I have anything to give. I'm enjoying life, seeing new places, meeting new people, but for some reason, I feel empty. I don't know if something is missing. I don't know if feeling empty is a good thing.

I was washing the dishes tonight, and imagined someone coming behind me. Hugging me. Kissing my neck. I miss that. Last week something happened in my life....and I wanted to tell someone. Someone who really knew what that experience meant to me....no one. I miss someone knowing me. Really knowing me..... I don't give myself anymore..... I'm holding onto me.

John Hiatt - Have A Little Faith

the natural way

The past couple of weeks have been.....well......they've been educational. I recently started changing my attitude on health. I'm trying to go all natural. Most of you know, I have ADHD, and I decided to stop taking medicine. I'm gaining knowledge on dealing with my little "issues" :) I'm reading every self-help book you can imagine. I wonder what the cashiers at Barnes and Noble think about my purchases. I'm buying books on, "How to Eat the Vegetarian Way," to "Dealing With Adult ADHD," to "Redeeming Love," etc, and so on. It's a fun journey. I really do not want to rely on anything chemical. I'm peeling away the layers of myself, and I want to really KNOW myself. What things I'm passionate about. (nature) What things I don't like. (deceipt)

So....eating the vegetarian way has been hard. I must admit. BUT...I do feel better. Being off Adderall.......I must admit is hard. AND funny. I have laughed at myself more in the past three weeks, than I have in a long time. I feel alive again. And, and little scatter brained. Fun times.

I am in love with nature. I have been thinking about my dad alot lately. He lived in Colorado, and California. He loved nature. Even though I didn't grow up around him, I feel this connection with him. When I am all alone, staring at the stars, with nothing around me, I think about him. I honestly believe I am the happiest when I am outside.

I like getting to know myself. I have so many things I want to accomplish. My "to-do" list is getting really long. I also call this, my Bucket List. Call me an old soul. I don't care. I will share some of my crazy things.........(in no specific order) and remember, this is just the beginning.

skydive
go on a road trip across the United States
adopt
be homeless for a week
bungie jump (off a bridge)
organize my sock drawer
go to my dad's favorite lake in Colorado
arrange my closet by colors
run a marathon


You get the picture. I believe, anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible in my life. All I have to do, is get busy.

Missy Higgins Where i stood

a little honesty

So, I've been a little sad lately. Don't be mad at me, especially if you have asked me how I"m doing......because I will never tell you, I'm a little sad. This is one reason I wanted to blog. My feelings are complicated. I don't really "share" intimate details. But this week, I've been sad. I'm forcing myself to be happy. And to keep moving on. It's so hard when you loved someone so much. You made plans together, you shared many late night talks. Don't get me wrong, there were so many things bad about the relationship. But for some reason, this week, all I can do.............is think about the good times. I'm missing something. Something I will never have back. The idea of finishing our lives together is now......gone. And forever changed. awkward situations, to be nice, to "pretend" to get along.

I know this feeling will pass. I know the future is so bright for me. I have discovered, maybe I have never truly been loved. The choice of two souls so engaged in each other, where nothing else matters. Knowing and trusting the other with your every being.

Here is a song....I love. Music speaks to my soul. I have no words sometimes, but the music speaks for me.


"Where I Stood" Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE