about today

About today......

Close your eyes with me. Imagine if everything you dreamed....could come true. Imagine. My dreams are coming true. Sometimes people say to just enjoy the moment. Everything happens for a reason. Fate. But I believe, sometimes, you have to fight for the dream. Fight for a person. Fight for a child. Fight for love. Fight for your passion. You can't leave everything up to fate and chance. That's lazy. That is the easy way out. It's easy to leave things in the hands of the universe. The hardest thing....is to fight. be vulnerable. 2012 for me....we will my year of dreams. Fighting.

December 14, 2011

I don't want to leap. I would rather not know if the fire is hot. There are many things I do, knowing there will be a consequence. If I touch the fire with my hand, I will get hurt. I want to avoid any flammable objects. I am comfortable right where I am. If I leap, I don't know where I will land. On the concrete ground with brokenness throughout my entire body. Or into the safety of someone's arms. 

What if they don't want to catch me? What if they are the flammable object? What if I finally allow myself to leap? Touch the fire. And I get hurt, again. I am safe, exactly where I am. Safe from the fire, the concrete ground, and the overwhelming fear of being rejected.  I don't know if I can do it. I just don't know if I have it in me.

Imperfection...

I am not perfect. I know...SHOCKER! But....I thought I wanted to "have it all together". I actually thought, I HAD to have it all together. If I wanted to find that special someone...or have more friends....or everyone to like me.....etc. You would think, I would get over this by now. You would think. Just when I think I'm finally being myself....I slip up. I get caught up in being someone else.

About a month ago, I went out with some friends, and met some new people. And I overcame a huge fear. I told them exactly where I was in my life, with no worry of what they were thinking. I ordered a beer, that I liked. I danced, as crazy as I wanted, and I put my hair in a ponytail, not caring how it looked. I had fun. Real fun.

Then...I ran into some people from my past...two on a Thursday night, and two on a Friday night...I hugged them. Told them I was happy to see them. And went on with my night. I really meant what I said. Which some of my friends find confusing. They saw me on the bathroom floor crying over these people. Locked up in the house for months. But in all seriousness....I have no yuckiness in my heart over anyone. I am at peace. At peace with my messed up self. . At peace with the world. At peace with my past and future....

Yeah, I still eat Pizza Rolls, and leave dishes in the sink, forget to fold my clothes after I dry them, air headed, struggle to stay in shape, insomniac, and silly habits.

But I'm also, a lover of life, my family, my friends, playful, bright side of life, lover of the outdoors, and nature. Crazy girl who will go on any adventure, sing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down, take a new road to my grandpa's because I've never been down that road before. Stop to take photos wherever, and whenever, make you food when you are down or sick, pick you up from the airport, and rub your back when you are sad. Yep...that's me. And I love all my imperfections.....

this and that.

tonight....while I was finishing the dishes....I realized, my life is pretty cool. some neat things are happening in my life. I'm not really sure how I feel about some of them...crazy excited about the others. It's like when you are waiting in the grocery line, and the older lady in front of you...is in no hurry. She enjoys the leisurely activity of grocery shopping. She realizes she has forgotten a few things, and "runs" to get them, all the while, you patiently wait. After 30 minutes of you smiling, her smiling, the cashier smiling, you FINALLY get to check out (with your 3 items) You know that feeling when you grab your grocery bag and head to your car? I'm having a lot of feeling like that. Relief. Finally. I'm good to go. Good to go on being happy. on being myself. on being honest. on being calm. on being what I've always wanted to be.


I choose, me. I choose to follow my heart. Taking the most difficult steps, the unknown ones. Waiting, and being content in waiting. Loving, and being loved. Giving, without the getting part. I'm choosing, me.

Michael Jordan 'Maybe It's My Fault' Commercial

the only failure is never to try.....

I'm super excited tonight. I have been pushing through with my running schedule. Every time I finished running, I felt exhausted. I know I'm out of shape, but I used to run so much faster, and feel so great after a run. Until tonight......I was running, and feeling that same barrier. I decided to give, Beth, a pep talk. "Beth. You are a runner. You love running. Your body can handle the extra push. Push yourself."

All the right songs came on my iPod, giving me the extra push (Lose Yourself, Eye of the Tiger, etc.) Before I knew it, I felt the runner take over. I sped up and corrected my posture. The fighter was back. I had the best time and felt the old feeling of accomplishment. The marathon is in 27 weeks. My goal is to finish. This feels amazing......


"I always loved running...it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs."
-Jesse Owens

26.2 miles. Finishing what I started. Proving people (including myself) wrong. Shedding the former image of myself. Bring it. and the cake. :)

facing myself

I've recently had some big decisions to make....I hate making big decisions. I don't trust myself to make important life altering decisions. I have made so many mistakes, and trusted in the wrong things. It keeps me from accomplishing my goals and allowing new people or new things to develop in my life.

Today has been a very emotional day. I've cried, been angry with myself, cried, and listened to sad music. And this afternoon...I decided to be honest with myself, and accept the fact, I need to change things in my life. They aren't necessarily bad for me, but take my attention away from my dreams. Distractions. Hurdles.

I can't count how many amazing things have happened in my life recently. I am finally starting to know myself....now to do a little polishing. I'm ready to stop feeling unworthy because of my appearance, my past, my "chaos", and my fears.

"Without discipline there is nothing to be proud of". Richard L Kempe

caterpillar

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. "
Richard Bach

It has been such a long time since I have blogged....hopefully I can stay consistent this time.
The past year, has been an amazing learning process for me about life, friends, holding on to the rope, betrayal, forgiveness, and many many more. I'm learning to just be. Just be, Beth. And peeling away the many layers. Giving into the chaos and trying to organize it a little. :) Dating, or realizing, I would like to. Opening my life to someone again. I'm loving this journey and hanging on for dear life. Is there someone who could really embrace all of my quirkiness? Who can roll their eyes at my sense of humor.....hmmmm.