Mumford & Sons : After The Storm (HD version) : Komedia Brighton : 6 Oct...

what a week.

"what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight...build anyway." Mother Theresa

I've learned some things this week........

1. life is short
2. people don't know, if you don't tell them
3. listen to the whispering voice
4. i like strangers
5. trust myself
6. selfish is as selfish does
7. i'm not stupid
8. allow myself to be happy
9. how NOT to waste my time on certain people, and that doesn't make me a mean person.
10. silence is sometimes the best speech.
11. actions speak louder than words


I've been sad this past week.....the tired look on my grandma's face, friends not being truthful, the past trying to creep it's way in, missing my daddy, trusting someone who never deserved it, someone trying to take my place, not standing up for myself, feeling like no one understands me.

And the amazing part is, I have peace. I have this voice inside me that says, I am strong enough. Everything happens for a reason....whether it be fate, the will of God, my own drive to succeed, or just happen chance. I am by nature a very fun loving, happy go lucky, positive, bright side of life girl....and no one will take that from me. I love people.

But I gotta get some things off my chest.........I'm tired of people thinking they can abuse my niceness. My carefree spirit is not stupid. I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I will not allow myself to crumble to make someone else happy. I think it's funny when people put me down, to lift themselves up. I will never be that person. Using cutting words and manipulation to make me feel less.....I'm done with that.

I choose love. And I may get hurt in the process, but I will allow myself to love again. To laugh at myself. To live.

Truth

I've been thinking a lot about the truth lately. Do I really want someone to tell me the truth? Or would I rather pretend like everything is ok in my life?


I really just want truth.

empty

It's been a while....I'm not very consistent with this blog. Becomes useful when I feel the need to reflect about my life....

I have all sorts of emotions going on inside me. I feel sad. I feel accomplished. I feel empty. This is actually the first time in my life I can say I feel empty. I don't know if I have anything to give. I'm enjoying life, seeing new places, meeting new people, but for some reason, I feel empty. I don't know if something is missing. I don't know if feeling empty is a good thing.

I was washing the dishes tonight, and imagined someone coming behind me. Hugging me. Kissing my neck. I miss that. Last week something happened in my life....and I wanted to tell someone. Someone who really knew what that experience meant to me....no one. I miss someone knowing me. Really knowing me..... I don't give myself anymore..... I'm holding onto me.

John Hiatt - Have A Little Faith

the natural way

The past couple of weeks have been.....well......they've been educational. I recently started changing my attitude on health. I'm trying to go all natural. Most of you know, I have ADHD, and I decided to stop taking medicine. I'm gaining knowledge on dealing with my little "issues" :) I'm reading every self-help book you can imagine. I wonder what the cashiers at Barnes and Noble think about my purchases. I'm buying books on, "How to Eat the Vegetarian Way," to "Dealing With Adult ADHD," to "Redeeming Love," etc, and so on. It's a fun journey. I really do not want to rely on anything chemical. I'm peeling away the layers of myself, and I want to really KNOW myself. What things I'm passionate about. (nature) What things I don't like. (deceipt)

So....eating the vegetarian way has been hard. I must admit. BUT...I do feel better. Being off Adderall.......I must admit is hard. AND funny. I have laughed at myself more in the past three weeks, than I have in a long time. I feel alive again. And, and little scatter brained. Fun times.

I am in love with nature. I have been thinking about my dad alot lately. He lived in Colorado, and California. He loved nature. Even though I didn't grow up around him, I feel this connection with him. When I am all alone, staring at the stars, with nothing around me, I think about him. I honestly believe I am the happiest when I am outside.

I like getting to know myself. I have so many things I want to accomplish. My "to-do" list is getting really long. I also call this, my Bucket List. Call me an old soul. I don't care. I will share some of my crazy things.........(in no specific order) and remember, this is just the beginning.

skydive
go on a road trip across the United States
adopt
be homeless for a week
bungie jump (off a bridge)
organize my sock drawer
go to my dad's favorite lake in Colorado
arrange my closet by colors
run a marathon


You get the picture. I believe, anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible in my life. All I have to do, is get busy.

Missy Higgins Where i stood

a little honesty

So, I've been a little sad lately. Don't be mad at me, especially if you have asked me how I"m doing......because I will never tell you, I'm a little sad. This is one reason I wanted to blog. My feelings are complicated. I don't really "share" intimate details. But this week, I've been sad. I'm forcing myself to be happy. And to keep moving on. It's so hard when you loved someone so much. You made plans together, you shared many late night talks. Don't get me wrong, there were so many things bad about the relationship. But for some reason, this week, all I can do.............is think about the good times. I'm missing something. Something I will never have back. The idea of finishing our lives together is now......gone. And forever changed. awkward situations, to be nice, to "pretend" to get along.

I know this feeling will pass. I know the future is so bright for me. I have discovered, maybe I have never truly been loved. The choice of two souls so engaged in each other, where nothing else matters. Knowing and trusting the other with your every being.

Here is a song....I love. Music speaks to my soul. I have no words sometimes, but the music speaks for me.


"Where I Stood" Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE

things I wonder........

I wonder what kind of things my dad would talk to me about today......... I wonder if he would tell me to "toughen' up girl". ......Or, "turn that frown, upside down"....... I wonder if he would tell me "this is your chance to start over", or "you deserve better".

What I really wish.......I wish, I could sit in his lap. Put my head on his chest......while he twirls my hair. I would tell him......I'm scared. I would tell him, I feel so lonely sometimes.......and how I wish all the pain would go away.

Sometimes, you just need your daddy.

Trying this again......

I haven't blogged in a long time. Honestly, I was having a hard time showering everyday, and logging on to my blog, and trying to come up with something witty, or inspiring, was just exhausting.

It's a tug of war in my soul. To be authentic. It's the hardest thing to be totally honest and completely vulnerable. I will fail at times. I am a work in progress.

I was re-reading some of my past blogs, and I thought to myself .......we underestimate how strong we really are, and how much we can take. I wanted everything better, now. I wanted all the pain to go away, NOW. But that's just not how life works. When we plant a tree, is it instantly at the peak of it's growth? obviously not. A process. A journey. An epic.

I have learned so much about myself through my pain, and I'm still learning. It's exciting when I think about it, and just as frustrating. Beth...when the heck are you going to learn. Learn to know my value. Learn it's okay to be human. It's okay to be happy, and to be sad (all in the same day) I am who I am. I want to force myself to go outside my area of safety. To break free from the expectations people have placed on me, and I have placed on myself. Life is passing me by, while I'm worrying about who I'm supposed to be. Instead of just being. Fear has crippled me. And when I sit by myself, and question my decisions, I am angry with myself. Most of them were made out of fear. Fear of failing, fear of being alone, the fear of being poor, the fear of people rejecting me. I used to think if people really knew me, and knew the secret things I have done, they would abandon me. But.....I abandoned myself. I failed myself. I gave up on myself.

Going through a divorce, was one of the hardest things I've had to face in my life. But I also feel it was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. It made me face life. Face myself. I had given my life to someone else. Someone else chose my dream. I disappeared. I blame no one, but myself. I had no confidence in myself. I was at the lowest point I felt humanly possible. I was a failure, a nobody. I felt I had nothing to offer anyone. When in those nights I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, layer by layer, I was shedding the falseness of myself. I screamed for the pain to go away...................... But I am so glad for the pain.

I look in the mirror now, and see my old friend. Hi, friend. Let's get busy with the "life" and stop making excuses. I will empty out this soul. I'm tired of trying to keep up with everyone. Comparing myself to someone else doesn't even make sense. I am who I am.

I feel something pulling me, and I can't stop it. I can't get comfortable. I have something to give. I have something to do in this world. It's not like anything I have ever felt. Far away from what society calls comfort, or having it all. I don't want it all. I don't want you to pat me on the back and say, good job. I don't want you to affirm my worth. I don't want a label, or an expectation placed on me. Believe me, no one is going to expect anything greater, than I expect of myself. I expect myself to have self control. I expect myself to give a smile, a genuine smile. To help someone in need. I expect myself to be authentic. To show compassion and love. My expectation is not to have a nicer car, a big house, or even a wedding ring.


I end with this.

Ecclesiastes 2.........................

1 I said to myself, "Come now, let's give pleasure a try. Let's look for the `good things' in life." But I found that this, too, was meaningless.

2 "It is silly to be laughing all the time," I said. "What good does it do to seek only pleasure?"

3 After much thought, I decided to cheer myself with wine. While still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I hoped to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief life in this world.

4 I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards.

5 I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees.

6 I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves.

7 I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned great herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who lived in Jerusalem before me.

8 I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!

9 So I became greater than any of the kings who ruled in Jerusalem before me. And with it all, I remained clear-eyed so that I could evaluate all these things.

10 Anything I wanted, I took. I did not restrain myself from any joy. I even found great pleasure in hard work, an additional reward for all my labors.

11 But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.

12 So I decided to compare wisdom and folly, and anyone else would come to the same conclusions I did.

13 Wisdom is of more value than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness.

14 For the wise person sees, while the fool is blind. Yet I saw that wise and foolish people share the same fate.

15 Both of them die. Just as the fool will die, so will I. So of what value is all my wisdom? Then I said to myself, "This is all so meaningless!"

16 For the wise person and the fool both die, and in the days to come, both will be forgotten.

17 So now I hate life because everything done here under the sun is so irrational. Everything is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

18 I am disgusted that I must leave the fruits of my hard work to others.

19 And who can tell whether my successors will be wise or foolish? And yet they will control everything I have gained by my skill and hard work. How meaningless!

20 So I turned in despair from hard work. It was not the answer to my search for satisfaction in this life.

21 For though I do my work with wisdom, knowledge, and skill, I must leave everything I gain to people who haven't worked to earn it. This is not only foolish but highly unfair.

22 So what do people get for all their hard work?

23 Their days of labor are filled with pain and grief; even at night they cannot rest. It is all utterly meaningless.

24 So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that this pleasure is from the hand of God.

25 For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?

26 God gives wisdom, knowledge, and joy to those who please him. But if a sinner becomes wealthy, God takes the wealth away and gives it to those who please him. Even this, however, is meaningless, like chasing the wind.

A new thing I'm learning about myself......I'm addicted to Sharpies. Just a little FYI. :)