facing myself

I've recently had some big decisions to make....I hate making big decisions. I don't trust myself to make important life altering decisions. I have made so many mistakes, and trusted in the wrong things. It keeps me from accomplishing my goals and allowing new people or new things to develop in my life.

Today has been a very emotional day. I've cried, been angry with myself, cried, and listened to sad music. And this afternoon...I decided to be honest with myself, and accept the fact, I need to change things in my life. They aren't necessarily bad for me, but take my attention away from my dreams. Distractions. Hurdles.

I can't count how many amazing things have happened in my life recently. I am finally starting to know myself....now to do a little polishing. I'm ready to stop feeling unworthy because of my appearance, my past, my "chaos", and my fears.

"Without discipline there is nothing to be proud of". Richard L Kempe

caterpillar

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. "
Richard Bach

It has been such a long time since I have blogged....hopefully I can stay consistent this time.
The past year, has been an amazing learning process for me about life, friends, holding on to the rope, betrayal, forgiveness, and many many more. I'm learning to just be. Just be, Beth. And peeling away the many layers. Giving into the chaos and trying to organize it a little. :) Dating, or realizing, I would like to. Opening my life to someone again. I'm loving this journey and hanging on for dear life. Is there someone who could really embrace all of my quirkiness? Who can roll their eyes at my sense of humor.....hmmmm.

Mumford & Sons : After The Storm (HD version) : Komedia Brighton : 6 Oct...

what a week.

"what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight...build anyway." Mother Theresa

I've learned some things this week........

1. life is short
2. people don't know, if you don't tell them
3. listen to the whispering voice
4. i like strangers
5. trust myself
6. selfish is as selfish does
7. i'm not stupid
8. allow myself to be happy
9. how NOT to waste my time on certain people, and that doesn't make me a mean person.
10. silence is sometimes the best speech.
11. actions speak louder than words


I've been sad this past week.....the tired look on my grandma's face, friends not being truthful, the past trying to creep it's way in, missing my daddy, trusting someone who never deserved it, someone trying to take my place, not standing up for myself, feeling like no one understands me.

And the amazing part is, I have peace. I have this voice inside me that says, I am strong enough. Everything happens for a reason....whether it be fate, the will of God, my own drive to succeed, or just happen chance. I am by nature a very fun loving, happy go lucky, positive, bright side of life girl....and no one will take that from me. I love people.

But I gotta get some things off my chest.........I'm tired of people thinking they can abuse my niceness. My carefree spirit is not stupid. I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I will not allow myself to crumble to make someone else happy. I think it's funny when people put me down, to lift themselves up. I will never be that person. Using cutting words and manipulation to make me feel less.....I'm done with that.

I choose love. And I may get hurt in the process, but I will allow myself to love again. To laugh at myself. To live.

Truth

I've been thinking a lot about the truth lately. Do I really want someone to tell me the truth? Or would I rather pretend like everything is ok in my life?


I really just want truth.

empty

It's been a while....I'm not very consistent with this blog. Becomes useful when I feel the need to reflect about my life....

I have all sorts of emotions going on inside me. I feel sad. I feel accomplished. I feel empty. This is actually the first time in my life I can say I feel empty. I don't know if I have anything to give. I'm enjoying life, seeing new places, meeting new people, but for some reason, I feel empty. I don't know if something is missing. I don't know if feeling empty is a good thing.

I was washing the dishes tonight, and imagined someone coming behind me. Hugging me. Kissing my neck. I miss that. Last week something happened in my life....and I wanted to tell someone. Someone who really knew what that experience meant to me....no one. I miss someone knowing me. Really knowing me..... I don't give myself anymore..... I'm holding onto me.

John Hiatt - Have A Little Faith