scars.

time.

space.



one thing I can say I'm learning throughout this journey, that has been consistent.



 once I learn this lesson, I feel I will move forward……but I continue to make the same mistake, every time.

making a decision based from fear. fear of success. fear of companionship. fear of adventure. fear of safety. fear of total acceptance. fear of giving myself.

all because of comfort. I am comfortable. I have "this" figured out. I know pain. I can deal with pain. It is comfort. Loneliness. I can deal with loneliness. It is comfort. Beebe. I can deal with Beebe. it is comfort. It is predictable. it is limiting.


but do I want comfort. Or true happiness. True life.

my fears....

One small result of coming to know myself....is coming to know myself. Knowing my fears....my faults...my bad personality traits.....but also...my compassionate heart...my encouraging spirit...my silliness.....

Looking inward, I'm beginning to fear I will always be alone. Fear there will never be someone I can share my whole self with. A partner in this journey called life. Who understands me the way I don't understand myself. Who can look at me across the room and I feel like the only one in the room. A traveling partner. A place to rest my head. 







I can say, I am happy. I am peaceful. I am simple. I am finally accepting myself. Loving myself. And laughing at myself. I'm okay with where I am. I like hanging out with myself. I think I"m a pretty neat gal. And that is what matters.....


My life's poetry......my fears.......beauty in the chaos....

healing is a process.....tired of numbing the pain.....facing the pain. feeling the pain. enduring the pain....then...the rainbow will come. but the rain should wash away, refresh, renew, nourish and sooth. Loving myself in the chaos, in the daily struggle of life. loving myself.

about today

About today......

Close your eyes with me. Imagine if everything you dreamed....could come true. Imagine. My dreams are coming true. Sometimes people say to just enjoy the moment. Everything happens for a reason. Fate. But I believe, sometimes, you have to fight for the dream. Fight for a person. Fight for a child. Fight for love. Fight for your passion. You can't leave everything up to fate and chance. That's lazy. That is the easy way out. It's easy to leave things in the hands of the universe. The hardest thing....is to fight. be vulnerable. 2012 for me....we will my year of dreams. Fighting.

December 14, 2011

I don't want to leap. I would rather not know if the fire is hot. There are many things I do, knowing there will be a consequence. If I touch the fire with my hand, I will get hurt. I want to avoid any flammable objects. I am comfortable right where I am. If I leap, I don't know where I will land. On the concrete ground with brokenness throughout my entire body. Or into the safety of someone's arms. 

What if they don't want to catch me? What if they are the flammable object? What if I finally allow myself to leap? Touch the fire. And I get hurt, again. I am safe, exactly where I am. Safe from the fire, the concrete ground, and the overwhelming fear of being rejected.  I don't know if I can do it. I just don't know if I have it in me.

Imperfection...

I am not perfect. I know...SHOCKER! But....I thought I wanted to "have it all together". I actually thought, I HAD to have it all together. If I wanted to find that special someone...or have more friends....or everyone to like me.....etc. You would think, I would get over this by now. You would think. Just when I think I'm finally being myself....I slip up. I get caught up in being someone else.

About a month ago, I went out with some friends, and met some new people. And I overcame a huge fear. I told them exactly where I was in my life, with no worry of what they were thinking. I ordered a beer, that I liked. I danced, as crazy as I wanted, and I put my hair in a ponytail, not caring how it looked. I had fun. Real fun.

Then...I ran into some people from my past...two on a Thursday night, and two on a Friday night...I hugged them. Told them I was happy to see them. And went on with my night. I really meant what I said. Which some of my friends find confusing. They saw me on the bathroom floor crying over these people. Locked up in the house for months. But in all seriousness....I have no yuckiness in my heart over anyone. I am at peace. At peace with my messed up self. . At peace with the world. At peace with my past and future....

Yeah, I still eat Pizza Rolls, and leave dishes in the sink, forget to fold my clothes after I dry them, air headed, struggle to stay in shape, insomniac, and silly habits.

But I'm also, a lover of life, my family, my friends, playful, bright side of life, lover of the outdoors, and nature. Crazy girl who will go on any adventure, sing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down, take a new road to my grandpa's because I've never been down that road before. Stop to take photos wherever, and whenever, make you food when you are down or sick, pick you up from the airport, and rub your back when you are sad. Yep...that's me. And I love all my imperfections.....

this and that.

tonight....while I was finishing the dishes....I realized, my life is pretty cool. some neat things are happening in my life. I'm not really sure how I feel about some of them...crazy excited about the others. It's like when you are waiting in the grocery line, and the older lady in front of you...is in no hurry. She enjoys the leisurely activity of grocery shopping. She realizes she has forgotten a few things, and "runs" to get them, all the while, you patiently wait. After 30 minutes of you smiling, her smiling, the cashier smiling, you FINALLY get to check out (with your 3 items) You know that feeling when you grab your grocery bag and head to your car? I'm having a lot of feeling like that. Relief. Finally. I'm good to go. Good to go on being happy. on being myself. on being honest. on being calm. on being what I've always wanted to be.


I choose, me. I choose to follow my heart. Taking the most difficult steps, the unknown ones. Waiting, and being content in waiting. Loving, and being loved. Giving, without the getting part. I'm choosing, me.

Michael Jordan 'Maybe It's My Fault' Commercial

the only failure is never to try.....

I'm super excited tonight. I have been pushing through with my running schedule. Every time I finished running, I felt exhausted. I know I'm out of shape, but I used to run so much faster, and feel so great after a run. Until tonight......I was running, and feeling that same barrier. I decided to give, Beth, a pep talk. "Beth. You are a runner. You love running. Your body can handle the extra push. Push yourself."

All the right songs came on my iPod, giving me the extra push (Lose Yourself, Eye of the Tiger, etc.) Before I knew it, I felt the runner take over. I sped up and corrected my posture. The fighter was back. I had the best time and felt the old feeling of accomplishment. The marathon is in 27 weeks. My goal is to finish. This feels amazing......


"I always loved running...it was something you could do by yourself, and under your own power. You could go in any direction, fast or slow as you wanted, fighting the wind if you felt like it, seeking out new sights just on the strength of your feet and the courage of your lungs."
-Jesse Owens

26.2 miles. Finishing what I started. Proving people (including myself) wrong. Shedding the former image of myself. Bring it. and the cake. :)

facing myself

I've recently had some big decisions to make....I hate making big decisions. I don't trust myself to make important life altering decisions. I have made so many mistakes, and trusted in the wrong things. It keeps me from accomplishing my goals and allowing new people or new things to develop in my life.

Today has been a very emotional day. I've cried, been angry with myself, cried, and listened to sad music. And this afternoon...I decided to be honest with myself, and accept the fact, I need to change things in my life. They aren't necessarily bad for me, but take my attention away from my dreams. Distractions. Hurdles.

I can't count how many amazing things have happened in my life recently. I am finally starting to know myself....now to do a little polishing. I'm ready to stop feeling unworthy because of my appearance, my past, my "chaos", and my fears.

"Without discipline there is nothing to be proud of". Richard L Kempe

caterpillar

"What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly. "
Richard Bach

It has been such a long time since I have blogged....hopefully I can stay consistent this time.
The past year, has been an amazing learning process for me about life, friends, holding on to the rope, betrayal, forgiveness, and many many more. I'm learning to just be. Just be, Beth. And peeling away the many layers. Giving into the chaos and trying to organize it a little. :) Dating, or realizing, I would like to. Opening my life to someone again. I'm loving this journey and hanging on for dear life. Is there someone who could really embrace all of my quirkiness? Who can roll their eyes at my sense of humor.....hmmmm.

Mumford & Sons : After The Storm (HD version) : Komedia Brighton : 6 Oct...

what a week.

"what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight...build anyway." Mother Theresa

I've learned some things this week........

1. life is short
2. people don't know, if you don't tell them
3. listen to the whispering voice
4. i like strangers
5. trust myself
6. selfish is as selfish does
7. i'm not stupid
8. allow myself to be happy
9. how NOT to waste my time on certain people, and that doesn't make me a mean person.
10. silence is sometimes the best speech.
11. actions speak louder than words


I've been sad this past week.....the tired look on my grandma's face, friends not being truthful, the past trying to creep it's way in, missing my daddy, trusting someone who never deserved it, someone trying to take my place, not standing up for myself, feeling like no one understands me.

And the amazing part is, I have peace. I have this voice inside me that says, I am strong enough. Everything happens for a reason....whether it be fate, the will of God, my own drive to succeed, or just happen chance. I am by nature a very fun loving, happy go lucky, positive, bright side of life girl....and no one will take that from me. I love people.

But I gotta get some things off my chest.........I'm tired of people thinking they can abuse my niceness. My carefree spirit is not stupid. I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I will not allow myself to crumble to make someone else happy. I think it's funny when people put me down, to lift themselves up. I will never be that person. Using cutting words and manipulation to make me feel less.....I'm done with that.

I choose love. And I may get hurt in the process, but I will allow myself to love again. To laugh at myself. To live.

Truth

I've been thinking a lot about the truth lately. Do I really want someone to tell me the truth? Or would I rather pretend like everything is ok in my life?


I really just want truth.

empty

It's been a while....I'm not very consistent with this blog. Becomes useful when I feel the need to reflect about my life....

I have all sorts of emotions going on inside me. I feel sad. I feel accomplished. I feel empty. This is actually the first time in my life I can say I feel empty. I don't know if I have anything to give. I'm enjoying life, seeing new places, meeting new people, but for some reason, I feel empty. I don't know if something is missing. I don't know if feeling empty is a good thing.

I was washing the dishes tonight, and imagined someone coming behind me. Hugging me. Kissing my neck. I miss that. Last week something happened in my life....and I wanted to tell someone. Someone who really knew what that experience meant to me....no one. I miss someone knowing me. Really knowing me..... I don't give myself anymore..... I'm holding onto me.

John Hiatt - Have A Little Faith

the natural way

The past couple of weeks have been.....well......they've been educational. I recently started changing my attitude on health. I'm trying to go all natural. Most of you know, I have ADHD, and I decided to stop taking medicine. I'm gaining knowledge on dealing with my little "issues" :) I'm reading every self-help book you can imagine. I wonder what the cashiers at Barnes and Noble think about my purchases. I'm buying books on, "How to Eat the Vegetarian Way," to "Dealing With Adult ADHD," to "Redeeming Love," etc, and so on. It's a fun journey. I really do not want to rely on anything chemical. I'm peeling away the layers of myself, and I want to really KNOW myself. What things I'm passionate about. (nature) What things I don't like. (deceipt)

So....eating the vegetarian way has been hard. I must admit. BUT...I do feel better. Being off Adderall.......I must admit is hard. AND funny. I have laughed at myself more in the past three weeks, than I have in a long time. I feel alive again. And, and little scatter brained. Fun times.

I am in love with nature. I have been thinking about my dad alot lately. He lived in Colorado, and California. He loved nature. Even though I didn't grow up around him, I feel this connection with him. When I am all alone, staring at the stars, with nothing around me, I think about him. I honestly believe I am the happiest when I am outside.

I like getting to know myself. I have so many things I want to accomplish. My "to-do" list is getting really long. I also call this, my Bucket List. Call me an old soul. I don't care. I will share some of my crazy things.........(in no specific order) and remember, this is just the beginning.

skydive
go on a road trip across the United States
adopt
be homeless for a week
bungie jump (off a bridge)
organize my sock drawer
go to my dad's favorite lake in Colorado
arrange my closet by colors
run a marathon


You get the picture. I believe, anything, and I mean ANYTHING is possible in my life. All I have to do, is get busy.

Missy Higgins Where i stood

a little honesty

So, I've been a little sad lately. Don't be mad at me, especially if you have asked me how I"m doing......because I will never tell you, I'm a little sad. This is one reason I wanted to blog. My feelings are complicated. I don't really "share" intimate details. But this week, I've been sad. I'm forcing myself to be happy. And to keep moving on. It's so hard when you loved someone so much. You made plans together, you shared many late night talks. Don't get me wrong, there were so many things bad about the relationship. But for some reason, this week, all I can do.............is think about the good times. I'm missing something. Something I will never have back. The idea of finishing our lives together is now......gone. And forever changed. awkward situations, to be nice, to "pretend" to get along.

I know this feeling will pass. I know the future is so bright for me. I have discovered, maybe I have never truly been loved. The choice of two souls so engaged in each other, where nothing else matters. Knowing and trusting the other with your every being.

Here is a song....I love. Music speaks to my soul. I have no words sometimes, but the music speaks for me.


"Where I Stood" Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WaVv874DfE

things I wonder........

I wonder what kind of things my dad would talk to me about today......... I wonder if he would tell me to "toughen' up girl". ......Or, "turn that frown, upside down"....... I wonder if he would tell me "this is your chance to start over", or "you deserve better".

What I really wish.......I wish, I could sit in his lap. Put my head on his chest......while he twirls my hair. I would tell him......I'm scared. I would tell him, I feel so lonely sometimes.......and how I wish all the pain would go away.

Sometimes, you just need your daddy.