scars.

time.

space.



one thing I can say I'm learning throughout this journey, that has been consistent.



 once I learn this lesson, I feel I will move forward……but I continue to make the same mistake, every time.

making a decision based from fear. fear of success. fear of companionship. fear of adventure. fear of safety. fear of total acceptance. fear of giving myself.

all because of comfort. I am comfortable. I have "this" figured out. I know pain. I can deal with pain. It is comfort. Loneliness. I can deal with loneliness. It is comfort. Beebe. I can deal with Beebe. it is comfort. It is predictable. it is limiting.


but do I want comfort. Or true happiness. True life.

my fears....

One small result of coming to know myself....is coming to know myself. Knowing my fears....my faults...my bad personality traits.....but also...my compassionate heart...my encouraging spirit...my silliness.....

Looking inward, I'm beginning to fear I will always be alone. Fear there will never be someone I can share my whole self with. A partner in this journey called life. Who understands me the way I don't understand myself. Who can look at me across the room and I feel like the only one in the room. A traveling partner. A place to rest my head. 







I can say, I am happy. I am peaceful. I am simple. I am finally accepting myself. Loving myself. And laughing at myself. I'm okay with where I am. I like hanging out with myself. I think I"m a pretty neat gal. And that is what matters.....


My life's poetry......my fears.......beauty in the chaos....

healing is a process.....tired of numbing the pain.....facing the pain. feeling the pain. enduring the pain....then...the rainbow will come. but the rain should wash away, refresh, renew, nourish and sooth. Loving myself in the chaos, in the daily struggle of life. loving myself.

about today

About today......

Close your eyes with me. Imagine if everything you dreamed....could come true. Imagine. My dreams are coming true. Sometimes people say to just enjoy the moment. Everything happens for a reason. Fate. But I believe, sometimes, you have to fight for the dream. Fight for a person. Fight for a child. Fight for love. Fight for your passion. You can't leave everything up to fate and chance. That's lazy. That is the easy way out. It's easy to leave things in the hands of the universe. The hardest thing....is to fight. be vulnerable. 2012 for me....we will my year of dreams. Fighting.

December 14, 2011

I don't want to leap. I would rather not know if the fire is hot. There are many things I do, knowing there will be a consequence. If I touch the fire with my hand, I will get hurt. I want to avoid any flammable objects. I am comfortable right where I am. If I leap, I don't know where I will land. On the concrete ground with brokenness throughout my entire body. Or into the safety of someone's arms. 

What if they don't want to catch me? What if they are the flammable object? What if I finally allow myself to leap? Touch the fire. And I get hurt, again. I am safe, exactly where I am. Safe from the fire, the concrete ground, and the overwhelming fear of being rejected.  I don't know if I can do it. I just don't know if I have it in me.

Imperfection...

I am not perfect. I know...SHOCKER! But....I thought I wanted to "have it all together". I actually thought, I HAD to have it all together. If I wanted to find that special someone...or have more friends....or everyone to like me.....etc. You would think, I would get over this by now. You would think. Just when I think I'm finally being myself....I slip up. I get caught up in being someone else.

About a month ago, I went out with some friends, and met some new people. And I overcame a huge fear. I told them exactly where I was in my life, with no worry of what they were thinking. I ordered a beer, that I liked. I danced, as crazy as I wanted, and I put my hair in a ponytail, not caring how it looked. I had fun. Real fun.

Then...I ran into some people from my past...two on a Thursday night, and two on a Friday night...I hugged them. Told them I was happy to see them. And went on with my night. I really meant what I said. Which some of my friends find confusing. They saw me on the bathroom floor crying over these people. Locked up in the house for months. But in all seriousness....I have no yuckiness in my heart over anyone. I am at peace. At peace with my messed up self. . At peace with the world. At peace with my past and future....

Yeah, I still eat Pizza Rolls, and leave dishes in the sink, forget to fold my clothes after I dry them, air headed, struggle to stay in shape, insomniac, and silly habits.

But I'm also, a lover of life, my family, my friends, playful, bright side of life, lover of the outdoors, and nature. Crazy girl who will go on any adventure, sing at the top of my lungs with the windows rolled down, take a new road to my grandpa's because I've never been down that road before. Stop to take photos wherever, and whenever, make you food when you are down or sick, pick you up from the airport, and rub your back when you are sad. Yep...that's me. And I love all my imperfections.....

this and that.

tonight....while I was finishing the dishes....I realized, my life is pretty cool. some neat things are happening in my life. I'm not really sure how I feel about some of them...crazy excited about the others. It's like when you are waiting in the grocery line, and the older lady in front of you...is in no hurry. She enjoys the leisurely activity of grocery shopping. She realizes she has forgotten a few things, and "runs" to get them, all the while, you patiently wait. After 30 minutes of you smiling, her smiling, the cashier smiling, you FINALLY get to check out (with your 3 items) You know that feeling when you grab your grocery bag and head to your car? I'm having a lot of feeling like that. Relief. Finally. I'm good to go. Good to go on being happy. on being myself. on being honest. on being calm. on being what I've always wanted to be.


I choose, me. I choose to follow my heart. Taking the most difficult steps, the unknown ones. Waiting, and being content in waiting. Loving, and being loved. Giving, without the getting part. I'm choosing, me.